THIS PIECE IS DESIGNED SOLELY TO MESS WITH CASEY JONES – IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR AN ORIGINAL PIECE OF WRITING, SOMETHING THAT’S CASEY JONES FREE, OR A TASTE OF MY ACTUAL WRITING – TURN BACK AND READ ONE OF MY OTHER PIECES.

 

STOP READING THIS UNLESS YOU LOVE MESSING WITH CASEY JONES. I LITERALLY JUST TYPED IN HOME IMPROVEMENT SCRIPT AND FOUND JAMES KLONOWSKI’S SPEC SCRIPT. I DON’T KNOW WHO JAMES KLONOWSKI IS, BUT I CHANGED ALL OF THE NAMES IN THIS SCRIPT WITHOUT READING IT. I CHANGED THE NAMES IN A MANNER DESIGNED TO MESS WITH CASEY JONES.

 

The name Tim was replaced with Casey Jones McGuy Person, so Casey jones could maintain his anonymity.

 

The phrase Taylor Family was replaced with “Casey and His Hot Air Balloon Dance Squad.”

 

The Dad has been replaced with Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness

 

The name Jill has been replaced with “Madison McSpace Pants”

 

The name Wilson has been replaced with “Megatron Steam Boat Dinosaur.”

 

The name Al has been replaced with “Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman.”

 

The name The Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves has been

 

The Word Tool has been replaced with the words “the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves”

 

The word “cop” has been replaced with “United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers”

 

The word suddenly has been replaced with “at the speed with which bison move across the open plains”

 

The word “boys” has been replaced with the phrase “that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions”

 

The word “tomorrow” has been replaced with “in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know”

 

The word “Hot Rod” has been replaced with the “a vehicle that represented the sad state of masculinity in our era of environmental degradation and embodied Casey’s attempts to escape the horrors of a world that robbed him of the power to express himself”

 

The word “giggling” has been replaced with “cackling”

 

The word “Halloween” has been replaced with “Jack Skelington’s Rambunctious Arbor Day Smackdown”

 

The word “eat” has been replaced with the word “devour”

 

The word “football” has been replaced with the phrase “men in the prime of their life incurring severe injury for monetary and social gain through a form of footballing that ultimately proves meaningless compared to the physical and psychological toll of an extremely violent sport”

 

 

Home Improvement Spec Script

               by

        James Klonowski

 

[email protected]

 

FADE IN:

COLD OPEN

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING

ANGLE ON: two cute 8-year-old twin girls, LOLA and LILY,

very messilydevouring their breakfast. Food is flying all over

the place.

                      WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)

Casey Jones McGuy Person……

We see CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON sitting across the table, carving a pumpkin. He

looks across at his grandchildren with both amusement and

sheer shock on his face. The twins continue to make as much

mess as possible. They catch him staring, both give him

innocent and sweet smiles. They look so cute, he can't help

but smile back.

                      WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)

          Casey Jones McGuy Person……

Casey Jones McGuy Person finally hears MADISON MCSPACE PANTS, and looks up to her.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          I've got like a million things to

          do today, Casey Jones McGuy Person. You think you could

          manage to take the girls back to

          their parents?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          A million things? And you say I

exaggerate.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          I'm not in the mood for your humour

          today, Casey Jones McGuy Person. I'm up to my eyes in it

          with work, and I need to get

          everything sorted for in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Why? What's happening in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Seriously? You've forgotten?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (clearly has forgotten)

          Noooo, of course not. It's just

          lost in my mind somewhere. I have

          things to do too, it's not always

          easy trying to remember everything.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          I've been nominated for a

          prestigious award for my

          contributions to the magazine, and

          the ceremony is in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know night.

 

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (lying)

I knew that.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

                (sarcastic)

          Yeah, I'm sure you did.

                      LOLA AND LILY

                (spitting food)

          Can we have more?!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (wiping bits of food off

                 his face)

          Hey! Say it, don't spray it.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          You two have had enough. Now go

          upstairs and brush your teeth, your

          granSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness is going to take you back

          to mommy and Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darknessdy's.

The twins trudge off.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to the twins)

          I'm not too happy about it either.

                (then, to Madison McSpace Pants)

          You do know I'm busy today too,

          right?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Doing what? Trying to figure out

          what old episode of The Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves Casey Jones McGuy Persone

          you're gonna watch to try and

          rediscover your lost youth?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (not amused)

          I actually have work today too,

          thank you very much.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          You own the store, Casey Jones McGuy Person. You don't

          even have to go in.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I still have to make sure Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman is

          doing his job correctly. I also

          can't leave him alone with the

          snacks for too long. I made that

          mistake once before. The profits

          were way down that month. Being an

          owner isn't easy, you know.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Could've fooled me.

2.

Casey Jones McGuy Person looks a little insulted.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Now, can you take the twins or not?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I might be able to squeeze the

          journey in, but that just means I'm

          gonna have to spend the entire

          afternoon at work and it may even

          go into the evening so you won't be

          able to talk to me when you finish

          your writing.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Casey Jones McGuy Person, I can never talk to you when I

          come home from work. You're either

          watching the men in the prime of their life incurring severe injury for monetary and social gain through a form of footballing that ultimately proves meaningless compared to the physical and psychological toll of an extremely violent sport, devouring a

          mouthful of sandwiches or

          scratching your butt with the

          remote control!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (clearly out of answers)

          I'll get the keys.

Casey Jones McGuy Person gets up, show's Madison McSpace Pants his pumpkin.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What do you think?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          What is it?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          It's an Al.

We now see that the pumpkin has been designed to look like

Al, with a flannel jacket wrapped around it for added

measure.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          It might be a little too scary for

          the kids, though.

MAIN

TITLES

3.

   

ACT ONE

4.

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S A VEHICLE THAT REPRESENTED THE SAD STATE OF MASCULINITY IN OUR ERA OF ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION AND EMBODIED CASEY’S ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE THE HORRORS OF A WORLD THAT ROBBED HIM OF THE POWER TO EXPRESS HIMSELF - LATER THAT MORNING

Casey Jones McGuy Person is driving. The twins are sat in the back, both

whispering to each other and cackling. Casey Jones McGuy Person notices.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Hey, you two. Stop that. Whispering

          is rude.

                (to himself)

          Twins are creepy enough without

          having them whispering to each

          other as well.

                      LILY

          We're bored.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Thendevour some candy.

                      LOLA

          Can we play a game?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I have to concentrate on my

          driving. I can't afford any more

          points on my licence.

                      LOLA

          I thought having points was good?

          You always cry and say bad words

          when the Detroit Lions don't get

          any.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Those are different kind of points,

sweetheart.

                      LOLA

          Well, we're bored! We wanna play a

game!

The pair start SINGING and SHOUTING loudly. Casey Jones McGuy Person takes his

eyes off the road to yell at them.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          That's enough, you two! I'm gonna

          crash if I'm not careful.

                      LILY

          GranSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, I don't think you're

          supposed to go through red lights.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

What?

Casey Jones McGuy Person turns his attention back to the road to see that he has

indeed driven through a red light. A police car is just

 

                                                        5.

behind him and flashes its lights for him to come to a stop.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to himself)

          Oh, this ain't gonna end well.

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S A VEHICLE THAT REPRESENTED THE SAD STATE OF MASCULINITY IN OUR ERA OF ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION AND EMBODIED CASEY’S ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE THE HORRORS OF A WORLD THAT ROBBED HIM OF THE POWER TO EXPRESS HIMSELF - MOMENTS LATER

The twins are laughing their heads off.

LILY and LOLA'S POV: Casey Jones McGuy Person is being forced to walk in a

straight line, walk backwards and get breathalysed.

At the speed with which bison move across the open plains, he starts yelling at the United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers.

EXT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S A VEHICLE THAT REPRESENTED THE SAD STATE OF MASCULINITY IN OUR ERA OF ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION AND EMBODIED CASEY’S ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE THE HORRORS OF A WORLD THAT ROBBED HIM OF THE POWER TO EXPRESS HIMSELF - MOMENTS LATER

The United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers slams Casey Jones McGuy Person against the vehicle. Casey Jones McGuy Person has his legs

spread and his head pressed against the roof.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to the United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers)

          Hey, watch the paint work, jerk!

The United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers pushes down harder. Casey Jones McGuy Person groans.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to the twins)

          GranSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness is just helping this kind

          police officer with his enquiries.

The twins just continue to giggle.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to the United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers)

          Do you know who I am? I'm Till "the

          The Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselvesman" Taylor.

                      UNITED NATIONS PEACEKEEPERS SECRETLY DRESSED AS POLICE OFFICERS

          Never heard of you, pal.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          The Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves Casey Jones McGuy Persone? It was pretty successful

          in it's genre.

                      UNITED NATIONS PEACEKEEPERS SECRETLY DRESSED AS POLICE OFFICERS

          So it's a the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves show?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Ah… Finally.

                      UNITED NATIONS PEACEKEEPERS SECRETLY DRESSED AS POLICE OFFICERS

          Bob Vela, I love him.

Casey Jones McGuy Person sighs with disappointment.

EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person exits the station along with the twin girls. He does not

look amused.

   

                      LOLA

          GranSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, is the policeman going to

charge you?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No, it was just a big

          misunderstanding, that's all.

                      LILY

          What does a police caution mean?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          It doesn't matter. Now, come on.

          Let's get you back to your parents.

                      LOLA

          You look mad, granSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          GranSuper Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness's just having a bad day,

          that's all.

They head to the car.

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S HARDWARE STORE - LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person goes up to the counter, whereYour Friendly Neighborhood Spidermanis struggling to keep

up with all the customers. Sweat is pouring off him. He

talks to Casey Jones McGuy Person in between serving customers.

                      AL

          You're late.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (sarcastic)

          Bonus points for stating the

          obvious there, Al. Just do what I

          pay you for.

                      AL

          Oh, the printer's still not

          working, Casey Jones McGuy Person. People are

          complaining, they want their

          receipts.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What do they want their receipts

for?

                      AL

          Because most of the the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselvess don't

          work since you decided to try and

          upgrade them.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Right, okay. I'll sort it. And why

          is it so hot in here? You're

          sweating like a dog in a Korean

          restaurant.

6.

 

                      AL

          That could have something to do

          with the air conditioning not

          working. You said you'd sort it.

          It's like a hundred degrees in

          here!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Alright, keep your hair on. You're

          turning into Madison McSpace Pants with all your

          nagging. I'll fix it.

                      AL

          Oh, I don't think that's a very

          good idea, Casey Jones McGuy Person. You don't exactly

          have a great track record when it

          comes to fixing things.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What you talking about? I'm an

          expert at DIY. Just ask Madison McSpace Pants. I did

          out the bathroom only a couple

          months ago.

                      AL

          She said you flooded the house.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          That was just a small

          misunderstanding. She should've

          been more clear with her

          instructions.

                      AL

          I still think you should get a

          professional.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No way, they cost a fortune. It's

          only a five minute job anyway. And

          I'm the owner here, don't forget.

                      AL.

          How can I? You remind me everyday.

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S HARDWARE STORE - LATER

Al is behind the counter doing the accounts. Just then, we

hear a loud bang.

                      AL

          Casey Jones McGuy Person? Everything okay up there?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (O.S)

          Ah… Yeah, just lost my balance

for a sec.

                      AL

          Well, be careful up there.

7.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (O.S)

          I'm not an idiot, Al.

We then hear another bang, this Casey Jones McGuy Persone Casey Jones McGuy Person's legs crash

through the ceiling and he's left dangling.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (O.S)

          Ow!

Al rushes to help.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. FRONT ROOM - SOME CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSONE LATER

The place is decorated for Jack Skellington’s Rambunctious Arbor Day Smackdown. Madison McSpace Pants is sat in the

front room working away on her laptop, papers everywhere,

looking rather stressed.

The front door opens, in walks Casey Jones McGuy Person looking as if he's

impersonating John Wayne out of some Western with his legs

wide apart. Madison McSpace Pants notices, but just shrugs. She's seen it all

before.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          What happened to you this Casey Jones McGuy Persone?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Long story, don't really wanna talk

about it.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          And I probably don't wanna hear it.

          Just sit yourself down.

Casey Jones McGuy Person sits down with a grimace on his face.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh, the police called here earlier

          wanting to confirm this as your

          home address.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Ah, that was nice of them, wasn't

it?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          I only asked you to take the girls

          back to their parents, how did that

          end up with you getting a police

          caution?!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I can explain.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Don't explain it to me, explain it

          to Brad and Maddie, they're the

          ones that are angry with you.

8.

 

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I can sort that one, don't worry.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Oh, and Mark popped over and

invited us round to see his new

place in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know. But with the

ceremony happening, I don't think I

can make it. I'll pop over on the

weekend. Could you go over and see

him in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know by yourself?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Oh, why? I wanted a chill day.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Casey Jones McGuy Person, he's our baby son. He's moved

into a new apartment. It's exciting

for him. I want him to know we're

proud of him.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I can just text him that.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

It's not just that. The area he's

moved to, I don't like. It's too

rough. And you know with him

being…. You know. I get worried

about him.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Relax will you? You're getting

paranoid. He'll be fine. I, on the

other hand, have half a tree stuck

up my butt!

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

You're going, and that's the end of

it.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (sighs)

Fine.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Oh, and if you get a chance can you

call Randy and make sure he can

still make it in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I thought parenting was meant to

get easier once the kids were all

grown up?

Shut up.

MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

9.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. KITCHEN - LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person is in the kitchen, picks up the phone and begins to

dial. The phone rings, an ANSWERING MACHINE clicks on.

RANDY TAYLOR - ANSWERING MACHINE

                      RANDY

          Hi, I can't take your call at the

          moment so please leave a message

          and I'll get back to you when I

          can…. Thanks.

Casey Jones McGuy Person exhales, disappointed. Hangs up.

EXT. MARK'S APARTMENT BLOCK - NEXT MORNING

Casey Jones McGuy Person arrives outside a large building block, he's not very

impressed by what he sees. He gets out a piece of paper, and

looks at it. It reads: Apartment 110, floor 20.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to himself)

          Thank God I don't suffer from

          vertigo.

He heads in.

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BLOCK. HALLWAY - SHORT CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSONE LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person is completely out of breath as he makes it up the last

flight of stairs. He is met by Mark.

MARK

          Hi, Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness.

                (checks his watch)

          You were meant to be here fifteen

          minutes ago.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          To be fair, I didn't know I had to

          walk up 20 flights of stairs.

                      MARK

          Ah, yeah. The elevator is broken.

                (then)

          Anyway, follow me to my apartment.

Casey Jones McGuy Person does just that. Mark then opens the door to his new

apartment, which we can't see yet.

MARK

          Ta-da!

Casey Jones McGuy Person looks in.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S POV: The apartment is nothing to "ta-da" over. It's

tiny, dirty and falling apart.

10.

   

            MARK

Obviously it needs spicing up a

little, but that's kinda the fun of

moving into a new place.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

      (noticing a stack of

       cheese in the corner)

What's all that for?

            MARK

Oh, that's for the mice and rats.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

      (sarcastic)

Oh good, well, you always wanted a

pet.

      (then)

The neighbours okay?

            MARK

Just loud really. Play lots of rock

music.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Could be worse, I guess. They could

be One Direction fans.

            MARK.

I like One Direction.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (sighs)

Of course you do.

      (then)

You sure you're gonna be alright

here, son?

            MARK

I know it's not perfect, Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

That's like saying Donald Trump

ain't a very nice person.

            MARK

Okay, it's an absolute dump, but

it's my dump. I finally have a

place that's mine.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Yeah, I get that. And if you need

any help with anything, you let me

know.

            MARK

That's alright, Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness. I'll take my

chances on my own.

11.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I make one or two mistakes and no

          one lets me forget about it.

                      MARK

          Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, everything you've ever touched

          has either caught fire or blown up.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Just faulty wiring, that's all.

Just then, a rat scurries across the room, Casey Jones McGuy Person leaps up on

the sofa.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What the hell was that?!

                      MARK

          A rat. It just takes some getting

used to.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Right…. Okay then, well if you're

          happy here, I'll leave you to it.

          Don't forget, if you need

          anything-

                      MARK

          I'll call mom.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (sarcastic)

          Always nice to feel respected. I'll

          see you soon, son.

Casey Jones McGuy Person rushes out of the apartment.

EXT. SOCCER TRAINING FIELD - LATER

BRAD is training some soccer kids when Casey Jones McGuy Person pulls up in his

A vehicle that represented the sad state of masculinity in our era of environmental degradation and embodied Casey’s attempts to escape the horrors of a world that robbed him of the power to express himself and distracts them all by beeping his horn loudly.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (sticking his head out of

                 the window)

          Hey, Brad. Can you spare a few

          minutes for your old Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness?

                      BRAD

          I'm kinda busy.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I'll be as quick as I can.

BRAD (sighs)

Fine…

12.

 

EXT. SOCCER TRAINING FIELD - SHORT CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSONE LATER

13.

Casey Jones McGuy Person and Brad are in conversation.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Look, I'm sorry your daughters had

          to see me get arrested. I didn't

          enjoy it either.

                      BRAD

          Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, me and Maddie want our girls

          growing up into respectable young

          ladies, but how is that gonna

          happen with you around?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (at the speed with which bison move across the open plains worried)

          You threatening to kill me?

                      BRAD

          Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, can you be serious for a just

          a second? I mean it, you gotta

          watch how you behave in front of

          the girls. I don't want anything

          like this to happen again,

          otherwise we're gonna have to let

          Maddie's parents babysit.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Come on, son, you know that would

          kill your mother. Look, I'm sorry.

          I promise nothing like that will

          happen again, you have my word.

                (then)

          So, we all good now?

                      BRAD

                (shrugs)

          Yeah, we're all good.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Awesome. So, big game at the

weekend?

                      BRAD

          Yeah, just getting the kids

          prepared for it.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I gotta admit, you've been doing

          well with them. You've made a

          mockery of the people who bet on

          this team to go down.

                      BRAD

          I know, more fool them.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

      (looking down at the

       floor)

Yeah…. Idiots.

      (then)

You still coming to your mother's

awards thing in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know?

            BRAD

Yeah, wouldn't miss it for the

world.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Shame, your brother doesn't feel

the same way.

            BRAD

Randy still not picking up?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

No, I don't know what's got into

him since he moved to Canada. I

know the Canadians are weird, but I

didn't think he'd start acting like

one right away. Could you try

giving him a call?

            BRAD

Yeah, no problem. Mark settling in

alright?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Well, let's just say even the rats

are fighting to get out of that

place.

BRAD

That bad?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Worse. It needs an extreme

makeover. I offered to help, but he

weren't interested.

            BRAD

Well, can you blame him? Remember

when you tried to lay a carpet in

his bedroom and burst a pipe?

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

He gave me the wrong nails, that

was all.

            BRAD

Anyway, I gotta get back to work,

Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness.

14.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Right, absolutely. I'm glad we've

          worked everything out. See you

          in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know.

                      BRAD

          Yeah, see you.

Casey Jones McGuy Person goes to walk off, but when he sees a little girl dribble

towards him with the ball, he can't help himself but to get

involved. He playfully tackles her and wins the ball back.

He then sets off on a little mazy run, but gets embarrassed

when one kid easily takes the ball off him. Casey Jones McGuy Person rather

aggressively tackles the same kid to get the ball back.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yes! That's how the big that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions play!

The small boy starts rolling around on the floor, screaming

in agony.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Ah… The old dive and scream

          antics. That's where the game is

          heading these days.

Brad rushes over, shocked at what he's just seen.

                      BRAD

          What the hell did you just do?!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          He's making a meal of it. I was

          just playing around, barely touched

          him.

We see the kid's foot all horribly twisted. Brad looks at

Casey Jones McGuy Person.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Oh….. See you in the distant future but not like as far as the Jetsons you know, Brad.

          Best of luck for the game.

He rushes off.

END OF ACT

ONE.

15.

   

ACT TWO

16.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON & MADISON MCSPACE PANTS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Madison McSpace Pants is busy writing in bed, while Casey Jones McGuy Person lays beside her

reading some sports magazine.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Did you sort everything with Brad

and Maddie?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Uh-huh….

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh God, what have you done now?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Nothing. I was playing a little bit

          of soccer with the kids, and I

          happened to ever so slightly hurt

          one of them.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          For crying out loud, Casey Jones McGuy Person!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Hey, it's not my fault. Kids are

          too feeble these days. In my day,

          we could survive being run over by

          a car.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Well, with you around, kids need to

          learn to survive being run over by

          a car!

After a short pause…

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I went to see Mark's new apartment,

by the way.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh, great. How was it?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Not the best.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh God, I knew it. Are the

          neighbours vicious? Did they say

          mean things about him? Did they

          threaten to beat him up? Oh God,

          they're planning on murdering him,

          I just know it.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No, no, nothing like that. And you

          gotta stop watching all those United Nations Peacekeepers Secretly Dressed as Police Officers

          shows, it's messing with your head.

          The place is just messy, that's

          all.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh, well that's what mothers are

          for. When I get five minutes, I'll

          go over there and give it a good

          clean.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I'm sure he'll like that. But make

          sure you take some cheese with you.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

What for?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          You'll find out soon enough.

EXT. TAYLOR HOME. BACK GARDEN - MORNING

Casey Jones McGuy Person is putting out the rubbish when his next door neighbour,

HOWARD comes out. He is in his 40s.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Morning, Howard. You alright today?

                      HOWARD

          Not too bad thanks, apart from the

          that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions driving me crazy.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yeah, I know the feeling. People

          who say girls are the hardest have

          never had that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions.

                      HOWARD

          Does it get easier when they leave

home?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I'd love to tell you it does, but

I'd be lying.

                      HOWARD

          They spent the entire morning

          riding up and down the stairs on

          Louise's mother's stairlift.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Sounds a lot of fun, gotta admit.

17.

 

                      HOWARD

          Try telling that to Louise. If

          looks could kill, they'd be pushing

          up daisies right now. I keep

          telling her to relax, what with the

          baby coming any Casey Jones McGuy Persone, but she won't

          listen.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Well, that's women for you.

                      HOWARD

          Tell me about it. I hope I don't

          keep burdening you with my

          troubles.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No, don't be silly. I used to have

          a neighbour, MEGATRON STEAM BOAT DINOSAUR he was called,

          that I could tell anything to, so

          I'm glad I can share my wisdom with

          someone. And anyway, it's the least

          I can do. I still feel bad about

          the first Casey Jones McGuy Persone we met.

                      HOWARD

          Oh, that's just water under the

          bridge now….

EXT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S STREET - FLASHBACK

From Howard's front garden, we can see a large removal van

is backing onto the pavement rather quickly. At the speed with which bison move across the open plains, it

comes to a stop after crashing into a car.

Casey Jones McGuy Person is driving, and has a worried expression on his face.

Madison McSpace Pants is frantically waving her arms trying to get her

husband's attention.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Casey Jones McGuy Person! Casey Jones McGuy Person! You hit the car, you hit

          the car!

                (under her breath)

          My God, we've only been here for a

          few minutes and already you're

          causing damage.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (leaning out of the

                 window)

          I didn't see no car. And what's it

          doing parked on the sidewalk

          anyway?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Well, it's not parked there any

          more. God knows how much this is

          gonna cost us. You really are an

          idiot, Casey Jones McGuy Person.

18.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Me? You were supposed to be my

guide!

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          You were going a hundred miles an

          hour!

They argue on…

Howard comes outside, searching for the noise. He shields

the sun from his eyes.

                      HOWARD

          Hey! Hey! What's the problem?

          People are trying to sleep. Mainly

          my wife. She's much nicer when

          she's sleeping.

Casey Jones McGuy Person and Madison McSpace Pants stop. Stare.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh, we're so sorry if we woke you.

                      LOUISE (O.S.)

          What the hell?! That's my car! What

          the hell have you done to it?!

Everyone turns to see LOUISE in the doorway, looking like a

lion untamed.

Silence.

            LOUISE

You two gonna say anything?!

      (then)

Fine, I'm calling the police.

Louise goes to head inside.

Madison McSpace Pants nudges Casey Jones McGuy Person to say something.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Wait!

Louise turns.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I'm Casey Jones McGuy Person, this is my wife Madison McSpace Pants.

MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Hi.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          We're your new neighbours.

                      LOUISE

          You're our new neighbours? What the

          hell did I do to deserve this?!

19.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yeah. We're moving in today.

                      LOUISE

          So, what happened to my car?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Well, I was reversing that truck,

          ever so gently, when I happened to

          accidentally back into your car.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Don't worry, we'll pay for all

          damages. It's such a regular

          occurrence with Casey Jones McGuy Person that our bank

          has opened a special account for

          incidents such as this.

Louise walks over to the car, surveys the damage. Casey Jones McGuy Person

follows her.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Actually, it's not that bad.

                      LOUISE

          Not that bad? It's wrecked! You

          wrecked my car!

                      HOWARD

          Calm down, honey. I'm sure they

          didn't mean to do it.

                      LOUISE.

          Howard, do you wanna get on my bad

          side as well today?

Howard shakes his head.

                      LOUISE

          Then I suggest you zip it!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I'm sorry, but it was just an

          accident. If it helps, I do tend to

          have a lot of accidents.

                      LOUISE

          How the hell is that supposed to

help?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I don't know…

EXT. TAYLOR HOME. BACK GARDEN - BACK TO PRESENT

Casey Jones McGuy Person and Howard are still talking.

20.

 

                      HOWARD

          Yeah, you did some damage, but you

          did make up for it.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I sure did.

EXT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S STREET - FLASHBACK

Casey Jones McGuy Person is reversing a flash new car onto Howard's driveway

where Madison McSpace Pants is standing. Louise and Howard sees this through

the window and come out. Casey Jones McGuy Person exits the car.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

                (to Louise)

          You like what you see? It's yours.

                      HOWARD

          What?! You serious? You didn't have

to do this.

                      LOUISE

          Yes they did, Howard!

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          It's the least we could do. Our way

          of saying sorry for what happened.

                      HOWARD

          But this is too much.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (to Madison McSpace Pants)

          I told you.

She elbows him in the ribs.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          So I hope this makes us okay?

                      LOUISE

          I guess it does. And sorry about

          before. I was in a bad mood. My

          that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions get me like that someCasey Jones McGuy Persones.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          My husband does that to me.

EXT. TAYLOR HOME. BACK GARDEN - BACK TO PRESENT

Casey Jones McGuy Person and Howard are still chatting.

                      HOWARD

          The car is really our pride and

joy.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yeah, it is a beauty.

21.

 

(MORE)

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON (cont'd)

                (then)

          You still coming to our Jack Skellington’s Rambunctious Arbor Day Smackdown

          party?

                      HOWARD

          I'll have to ask Louise, but

          hopefully, yes.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Great. My parties are pretty

legendary.

                      HOWARD

          I'm sure the kids will enjoy it.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Kids? What they gotta do with it?

                      LOUISE (O.S.)

          Howard! Get in here before I kill

these brats!

                      HOWARD

          I better go.

                (then)

          Coming, dear!

He rushes off. Casey Jones McGuy Person smiles to himself, enters the house.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. FRONT ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Casey Jones McGuy Person potters around, looking rather bored. He sees Madison McSpace Pants's

laptop out and can't help himself but to have a look.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Let's see what saddo has been

          emailing you this week.

He opens an email, and reads aloud:

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Dear Madison McSpace Pants… Two months ago I

          separated from my husband….

                (fake yawns)

          … Now I'm not so sure whether

          I've done the right thing. The kids

          keep wondering where their Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darknessdy

          is, and the house just feels empty

          without him. But if I allow him

          back, then it's like I'm saying

          it's okay to cheat on me. What

          should I do?

                (then)

          Okay, let's reply to this one.

He starts typing…

22.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Oh, Jennie, Jennie, Jennie… You

          know, maybe you need to look at

          yourself here. Are you to blame?

          Did you keep pestering him to do

          the housework when an important

          men in the prime of their life incurring severe injury for monetary and social gain through a form of footballing that ultimately proves meaningless compared to the physical and psychological toll of an extremely violent sport game was on? Did you keep

          nagging him to do the washing up?

          Maybe you should look yourself in

          the mirror and own up to your

          failings. Give this guy a second

          chance, by the sounds of it he

          deserves it.

He goes to press send when…

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS (O.S.)

          Don't even think about it.

Casey Jones McGuy Person jumps out of his seat.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Hey, honey. I was just messing

about.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          That's alright then. But touch my

          laptop again and you're a dead man.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Got it.

                (then)

          Since you're busy here I thought

          I'd pop over Mark's, see if he

          needs my help with anything.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          As long as you get out from under

          my feet, I don't care what you do.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Love you too, Madison McSpace Pants.

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT BLOCK. HALLWAY - LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person knocks on the door, carrying a the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselvesbox. After a short

while, a man answers. He is wearing a pink dressing gown

with a pink towel wrapped around his head. Fluffy pink

slippers on his feet. His name is LUKE. Casey Jones McGuy Person is dumbfounded.

                      LUKE

          Mr. Taylor. What a nice surprise.

          Mark didn't say you were coming

          over?

No response from Casey Jones McGuy Person.

23.

 

                      LUKE

          Everything okay? Have those stairs

          taken it out of you again, love?

          Come on in, and put your feet up.

          I'll get you a nice cup of coffee.

Luke invites Casey Jones McGuy Person in.

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Luke leads Casey Jones McGuy Person in.

                      LUKE

          I see you've brought some the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselvess

          with you. There are a few things to

          get done. I would do them, but I've

          just done my nails. You help

          yourself though.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Right, okay.

                      LUKE

          If you'd like to start with the

          electrics, that would be great.

          Don't know what the matter is.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Ah, you just have to take the

          access panel off and see what the

          problem is.

Casey Jones McGuy Person takes it off.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Alright. Whoa, that's a lot of

          wires.

He takes out a pair of wire snippers from his the Vestigial Remains of Liberalism and the Hope We Can use Them To Save Ourselves box.

                      LUKE

          Blimey, I'm glad you know what

          you're doing. I wouldn't have a

          clue.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Well, that's the difference between

          me and you. Among a number of other

          things. With electrics you just

          have to be absolutely sure and

          positive you cut the right wire.

He picks the nearest one and snips it. There is a loud bang

and massive spark. The snippers fly out of Casey Jones McGuy Person's hands. Casey Jones McGuy Person

jumps back.

                      LUKE

          Was that not the right one?

24.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I know what happened. Your wires

          are the wrong way round. I'll try

          this one.

He picks up the snippers, hands shaking, snips another wire.

Nothing happens this Casey Jones McGuy Persone. Casey Jones McGuy Person is all cocky.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          There you go, now we can get

          started.

At the speed with which bison move across the open plains, everything goes black.

                      LUKE

          Is this meant to happen?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Well, of course it is. But in the

          meanCasey Jones McGuy Persone, why don't you and Mark

          come stay with us for awhile?

END OF ACT

TWO.

25.

   

ACT THREE

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. FRONT ROOM - SOME CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSONE LATER

Madison McSpace Pants is working away on her laptop when a fuming Mark storms

through the front door carrying a suitcase.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Hey, sweetie. What you doing here?

                      MARK

          Two words. Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, electrics.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh God. He didn't blow up the

          apartment block, did he?

Casey Jones McGuy Person enters, followed by Luke.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No, I did not. Just a small

          blackout, nothing major.

                      MARK

          I told you not to mess with

anything.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I was just trying to help.

                      MARK

          And look how that's worked out!

          Just stop interfering!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Oh, come on. I did you a favour,

          that place is a rat infested dump!

                      MARK

          Yeah, well it was MY rat infested

          dump!

He storms off. Luke starts crying.

                      LUKE

          I'm so sorry, I just hate drama.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. KITCHEN - LATER

Casey Jones McGuy Person is sitting at the tabledevouring some dinner, when Madison McSpace Pants

enters.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Mark still not talking to me?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Nope, you know how he is. He's

sensitive.

26.

   

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Don't go stereotyping gay people,

          Madison McSpace Pants.

The phone rings.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Oh, hang on. I better get this.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Well, I ain't going to.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

                (into phone)

          Hello?… Speaking…. What?! Are

          you serious?! That's amazing, thank

          you so much!

She hangs up.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Who's dead?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Shut up. They just gave me the

          heads up, I won the award!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What? You serious? That's

          incredible, well done.

He hugs her, and gives her a kiss.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          You know what this calls for? A

          champagne moment. You get the

          glasses.

He rushes to the fridge, pulls out a bottle of expensive

champagne. He shakes it.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Get ready!

He pops the cork, but it shoots out a lot faster and harder

than he is expecting and it slams straight into Madison McSpace Pants's face,

knocking her to the floor.

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S A VEHICLE THAT REPRESENTED THE SAD STATE OF MASCULINITY IN OUR ERA OF ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION AND EMBODIED CASEY’S ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE THE HORRORS OF A WORLD THAT ROBBED HIM OF THE POWER TO EXPRESS HIMSELF - LATER THAT NIGHT

Casey Jones McGuy Person is driving. Madison McSpace Pants is in the passenger seat looking rather

flustered. He is wearing a suit, she's got on a nice dress.

Her wounds are still fresh. She has two black eyes and a

broken nose. Her award is on her lap.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          The night wasn't that bad.

27.

 

He gives her a kiss.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

It was horrifying, Casey Jones McGuy Person. Everyone

spent the entire night staring at

me.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

That's because you were the star of

the show.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

I can't believe you ruined my

special night.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I didn't mean to.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

You don't mean to do anything,

that's usually the problem.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I really am sorry.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

And Randy weren't even there

either.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

I did film it though.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Oh yeah, like I really wanna be

reminded of this night.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

You looked beautiful tonight.

            MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Casey Jones McGuy Person, you're not getting any

tonight.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

This is the first Casey Jones McGuy Persone I'm not

trying to. I really mean it. You

looked amazing. I was so proud of

you.

Ow.

Sorry.

MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

INT. CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON'S HARDWARE STORE - FEW DAYS LATER

Your friendly neighborhood spiderman and Casey Jones McGuy Person are looking up at the ceiling where two

professionals are fitting in a new air conditioning machine.

28.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I told you I'd get it sorted.

                      AL

          And what about the printer?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          I've ordered a new one. Trust me,

          Al, this is the new me.

He spots a ladder in the way of some stock.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Who put that there? Don't matter,

I'll move it.

He picks it up and turns, but smashes it straight through

the store window.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (to the men)

          Can you fix windows too?

INT. MARK'S APARTMENT - LATER

The apartment is finally clean. Mark and Luke seem pleased

as Madison McSpace Pants comes out of one of the rooms with a mop and bucket.

                      MARK

          Thanks, mom. It looks great.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          That's what mothers are for.

Casey Jones McGuy Person enters.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          This is much better.

                      MARK

          Don't go touching anything.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Don't worry, I've learned my

lesson.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          This place looks nice and cosy.

                      MARK

          I know, and it's mine.

                      LUKE

          A few pictures of flowers and it'll

be perfect.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          What's this switch?

29.

 

EVERYONE

          No!

He flicks the switch and everything goes dark.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

Oh….

EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

Casey Jones McGuy Person and Madison McSpace Pants watch as Brad's team are struggling to keep the

ball in the game. Brad paces up and down the touchline. The

player Casey Jones McGuy Person injured is sitting at the side of the pitch in a

wheelchair.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Come on! Do something! Kick the

ball!

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Casey Jones McGuy Person, stop it. They're trying their

best.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          They're 4-0 down. I'd hate to see

          them not trying.

                (then)

          Come on! What the hell's wrong with

          you all?!

An angry Brad turns to his father.

                      BRAD

          Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness, be quiet. I'm trying to do my

job.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Sorry, sorry. You carry on.

One of the opposing players trips one of theirs.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Hey! That's a penalty! Come on ref!

          Stop trying to impersonate Stevie

          Wonder and do your freaking job!

Brad turns again.

                      BRAD

          Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness. Leave it.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Oh, but come on, son. Everyone

          could see that was a penalty.

There's another incident, but again the referee waves play

on. Casey Jones McGuy Person has had enough, he stands up and aggressively

gestures towards the official.

30.

 

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yeah, I'm speaking to you, old man!

          Who the hell put you in charge of

          this game?! You're an absolute

          joke!

The ref just shakes his head and goes to walk away.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Yeah, you wanna walk because if I

          come down there you'll be sorry.

The ref turns around, picks up the ball and boots it in

Casey Jones McGuy Person's direction. Casey Jones McGuy Person ducks, and the ball smashes into an

unsuspecting Madison McSpace Pants's face, knocking her down.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Brad, call the emergency services.

END OF ACT

THREE.

31.

   

TAG

32.

INT. CASEY AND HIS HOT AIR BALLOON DANCE SQUAD HOME. FRONT ROOM - NIGHT

The Jack Skellington’s Rambunctious Arbor Day Smackdown party is well underway. Everyone is in

costume. Madison McSpace Pants is dressed as a mummy… Or is she? Perhaps

she's just recovering from the Casey Jones McGuy Person-inflicted injuries.Your Friendly Neighborhood Spidermanis

a giant pumpkin. The two girls are dressed as Frozen

characters. Luke and Mark are Barbie and Ken. Brad and

MADDIE are dressed as Woody and Jessie from Toy Story. Casey Jones McGuy Person

enters dressed as Donald Trump.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          You're all fired!

                (spots Al)

          You could've wore a costume, Al.

                      AL

          Very funny, Casey Jones McGuy Person. You try getting

          the bus in this thing.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (spots Brad)

          Why you dressed as Woody? Everyone

          knows Buzz is the cool one.

                      BRAD

          I don't think so, Super Spooky Father of Fun and Darkness.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

                (spots the girls)

          Frozen? You girls really need to

          let it go.

                (laughs to himself)

          I am on fire!

The girls start singing the "Let It Go" song.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Okay, that's enough of that.

                (spots Madison McSpace Pants)

          Ah, you went with the mummy theme.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          I didn't have much choice with you

around.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Where's Howard and the that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions?

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          They said they'd be here a little

          later, they're running behind on a

          few things.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Ah, that's okay then.

 

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          What made you dress as Donald

Trump?

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Can you think of anyone more scary?

          Okay, maybe Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman’s mother naked, but

          that's about it. And that's a

          thought I won't be able to get out

          of my head now.

Casey Jones McGuy Person shudders.

There's a knock at the door.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

          Get that will you, Casey Jones McGuy Person.

CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          No need.

He picks out a remote control.

MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Oh, God.

Casey Jones McGuy Person presses the button. The door flies off the hinges,

flooring Howard, Louise and their that Scooby Squad of Youthful Rapscalions in the process.

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Hmmm, wrong button.

He presses a new button. All the windows smash.

                      MADISON MCSPACE PANTS

Casey Jones McGuy Person!!!!

                      CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

          Someone's programmed this thing

          wrong. What button is it?

He presses another button. A giant electronic skeleton comes

wandering out of a room, with a bowl of candy. Casey Jones McGuy Person is

pleased with himself. At the speed with which bison move across the open plains, the skeleton turns towards

the party-goers and starts launching the candy at them all.

They all duck for cover. Casey Jones McGuy Person stands his ground, rapidly

pressing different buttons, but nothing happens. The

skeleton grabs Casey Jones McGuy Person in his arms and throws him through the

air. He lands with a thud.

            CASEY JONES MCGUY PERSON

That's gonna hurt in the morning.

END OF

EPISODE.

FADE OUT:

33.