THE BETCHING TREE
Once there was a tree And she loved a little Girl. And every day the Girl would come And she would gather her leaves And make them into crowns and play queen bee of the forest. She would climb up her trunk And swing from her branches And when he was tired she would sleep in her shade.
And the Girl was the tree’s Betch. And the tree was the Girl’s Betch.
But time went by, And the Girl pubed out. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the Girl came to the tree and the tree said:
"Sup, Betch, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy."
"My ass is too big to climb and play," said the Girl. "I want to buy things so these girls at school think I’m cool. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money. I have only apples which you can use to make mixers and secrets you can use as leverage against the Girls you hate. That’s why my leaves are so big; they’re filled with secrets. Plus, you don’t need money, because you’re prettier than them, and you can make boys buy you things.”
And so the Girl climbed up the tree and gathered her apples to make mixers and hear the following secrets: Colleen cheated on Ricky with Tommy right by a Magnolia on the edge of the forest, that Jennifer’s parents sent her to fat camp when she was in seventh grade, that Jessica’s mom has a pill addiction, and that Pam totally lied about being a half-virgin.
And the Girl was the tree’s Betch. And the tree was the Girl’s Betch.
But the Girl stayed away for a long time and the tree was sad.
And then one day the Girl came back and the tree shook with joy, and she said:
"Come, Betch come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be "happy".
"I’m too single to climb you,” said the Girl. "My Mom just gave me a copy of microwaving for one. I want a guy, like a hot guy. Do you know any single guys who have a good body but aren’t in the Cross Fit Cult?"
"Betch, I’m a fucking tree," said the tree. “Well, there is a Ranger Rick. He’s kind of weird, but he’s clean and has a great body," said the tree.
And the Girl was the tree’s Betch. And the tree was the Girl’s Betch.
And a couple of days later, the Girl came back and the tree shook with joy, and she said:
"Come, Betch come and climb up my trunk and check out those hott guys sunbathing by the creek.”
"Yeah, that would just frustrate me,” said the Girl. "Ranger Rick has a latex allergy," she said. “I need birth control, but my health insurer doesn’t cover birth control. Can you get me some birth control?”
"Oh yeah, my leaves are a really effective form of birth control," said the tree. “Seriously, you’re the best, Betching Tree,” said the Girl. “Okay, we need to work on sarcasm. I’m an apple tree, not Planned Parenthood. Don’t even try to use my leaves as birth control. Seriously, you will get pregnant.” “Way to get my hopes up,” said the Girl. “Look, I guess you can cut off my branches and trade it as firewood for birth control,” said the tree. “Will that work?” asked the Girl. “Once again, I’m a tree and as a tree I have literally no experience in economic transactions, but I’m fairly confident you can trade firewood for birth control pills with someone who lives in Chalmette,” said the tree. And so the Girl cut off the tree’s branches and traded them in Chalmette, because apparently, trading firewood is a legitimate and acceptable way to acquire birth control in Chalmette.
And the Girl was the tree’s Betch. And the tree was the Girl’s Betch.
But the Girl, who foolishly decided to attend law school, stayed away for a long time and the tree was sad. When she came back, the tree was pretty fucking pumped but also a little pissed.
“It’s so awesome to see you. I was beginning to think you got knocked up,” said the tree. “I am way too sober to play right now,” said the Girl. “Well, take some of my apples to make mixers…oh wait, that’s not an option, because you cut off my branches,” said the tree. “I want a plane ticket to Lyon, France that will take me away from here. Can you cover the cost of my plane ticket and tuition?”
“Cut down my trunk and sell it for tuition,” said the tree. “Then, you can fly to Lyon and pretend to study when in reality you’ll be drinking heavily.” And so the Girl cut down and sold the tree’s trunk. The tree pretended to be cool with all of this, but in reality, she wasn’t actually cool with it.
And after a long time, the Girl came back again.
“I am sorry, Betch,” said the tree, “but I have nothing left to give you.”
“My apples are gone,” said the tree. “I’m too hung over for apples right now,” said the Girl.
“If you haven’t noticed, my branches are gone, so you can’t swing on them,” said the tree. “My ass is too big to swing on the branches,” said the Girl.
“While we’re on the subject, someone ran off with my trunk, so you can’t climb me,” said the tree. “Okay, I feel like I’ve already explained the climbing issue,” said the Girl.
“Also, Ranger Rick was fired for letting some girl he was sleeping with cut down trees to sell as timber, so I can’t hook you up with him anymore,” said the tree. “Uhhh, he was weird anyway,” said the Girl.
“I am sorry,” sighed the tree sarcastically. “I wish that I could give you something,” said the tree, who really emphasized the word “wish” to drive home the sarcasm. “Seriously, I have nothing left. I’m a fucking stump.”
“I’m taking BARBRI, right now,” said the Girl, “I just need a quiet place to sit, study BARBRI, and talk shit about other people. I am very tired and scared. I mean, there’s like a 50% failure rate, and I have student loans. Plus, I’m starting to suspect that I might have broken the law when I cut down a tree on property that I didn’t own. I feel like law school took everything without giving me anything in return.”
“Okay, do you see the irony of your situation like at all,” asked the tree.
“I can’t say yes to that question. It’s too much. I took you for granted and I’m sorry. I wanted to be Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but instead I was more like Damone. I’ve been a bad friend, a bad steward of the earth, but worst of all, a bad betch. Tree, you’re my betch friend.”
“You’re my betch friend too,” said the tree. “Look,” said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, “an old stump is pretty good place to study BARBRI. Come, Girl sit down and study, and by study I mean let’s talk shit about people in your BARBRI class.”
And the Girl was the tree’s Betch. And the tree was the Girl’s Betch.