I remember early morning drives and grayish-blue baseball caps
Big Wheel bikes and Velcro shoes and parks close to home
I remember denim overalls and blueberry toaster waffles
And playing with Barbies in a big wooden dollhouse
A dollhouse that you made yourself
One that covered my childhood in smells of hot glue
And freshly sanded wood
I remember our Spanish-style roof tiles and cul-de-sac friends
And a feeling warm enough to cover me up
I remember a change of scenery
New faces, new seasons, new normals
I remember being scared
But I had you and a pool in the backyard and that was enough
I remember learning to write
Sitting beside you at the dining table
And copying the lines you drew
And I watched with wonder as they turned into words and then sentences
And then entire stories
I remember finding pleasure in this practice
And an even greater affinity for what you introduced to me as poetry
So I wrote them, poems that always had to rhyme
And always had to be dedicated to you
Because I felt like I could not find the right words say
Unless they were written out before me
I remember when childlike bliss became tinged with fear
The first time I realized that things wouldn’t stay the same forever
Even if I needed them to so badly
Even if I couldn’t imagine them any differently than exactly how they were
I remember how anxiety always crept in
As soon as you walked away
You were my only source of comfort
The only friend I’d ever need
I remember feeling like something inside of me was being pulled away
Ripped right out of my hollowed chest
Anytime I was forced apart from you
I remember growing and discovering parts of me along the way
Parts that liked eyeliner and Converse and to always be clean
Parts that were both shy and outgoing and liked to sing really loud
But probably shouldn’t
I remember tumbling on mats (purposely)
And soccer fields (accidentally)
Swimming and cheering and acing my tests
Always wanting to perform my best for you
Because knowing I had the power to make you proud
To make you smile
Gave me reasons to put everything I had into everything I did
I remember the ups and downs and in-betweens
Fake tans and homecoming dresses and hours put into makeup
Just to come home crying because he danced with someone else
So you would pick me up
From the school or from the party
Or from whatever ground I had fallen face-first into
You’d dust off my knees and wipe away my tears
And hug me until I could breathe again
Reserving that spot on your lap just for me
For when my head felt too heavy to hold up on my own
I remember thinking I was all grown up
Before you dropped me off at school
This time much older
This time an hour from home
I remember the flood of emotion when I watched you drive away
And just like that, I was a child again
Getting dropped off in an elementary school carline
With that hole in my chest that only your company could fill
Wishing that I could turn back time
Just a few minutes… or days… or better yet, years
Back to baseball caps and Barbie dolls and the smell of hot glue
So you would be right there beside me again
So that you could stay by me forever
I remember when all this time
I thought that feeling things was my biggest weakness
And how you taught me that it was my greatest superpower